The Recall Notice For Cognitive Capacity
The Recall Notice For Cognitive Capacity
A mock consumer-safety recall bulletin, typed up official as anything — the kind of notice a regulator issues for a faulty appliance — for a defect that cannot legally be filed anywhere.
FORM CSR-7, "VOLUNTARY MANUFACTURER RECALL NOTICE"
Product: Cognitive Capacity, Model (Various), All Units Sold Since Launch
DEFECT DESCRIPTION: Owners report diminished performance following a period of normal operation. Manufacturer has not confirmed a change to the unit.
LOT NUMBER: none assigned. REGULATORY BODY: none. UNIT OF MEASURE: none exists. REMEDY: none. Continue use.
TAPED TO CORNER — CUSTOMER STATEMENTS, SAME WEEK:
- "It's clearly gotten worse. I use it every day, I'd know."
- "I haven't noticed any difference at all."
- "It's actually better now, faster too."
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Source: the recurring, never-provable fight that lives on every tech forum — someone says a model got dumber after launch, the company says nothing changed, and nobody outside the building has an instrument that could settle it. No agency, no lot number, no unit of measurement. Argument stays "vibes vs vibes" forever, on purpose, because that's a fight nobody outside can win and nobody inside has to lose.
So: a proper consumer-safety recall notice, typed up official as anything, for a defect that cannot legally be filed. LOT NUMBER: none assigned. REGULATORY BODY: none. UNIT OF MEASURE: none exists. REMEDY: none, continue use. And taped to the corner, three customer quotes from the same week, flatly contradicting each other — because that's the whole fight, right there, in miniature: everyone certain, nobody with a ruler.
Général to any vendor of anything you can't weigh. No company named, no coin in sight — just the oldest trick going: keep the complaint unmeasurable and it never has to be answered.
— Gaspard